


Could You Be A Bangtan Stan?

by lucyrhyme



Category: DR. SEUSS - Works, Green Eggs and Ham - Dr. Seuss, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Crack, Humor, Memes, Parody, Poetry, Slice of Life, Squee
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-26 10:13:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17139875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucyrhyme/pseuds/lucyrhyme
Summary: Could you be a Bangtan stan?How did you become a fan?You're not an ARMY? So you say.Perhaps you'll change your mind today.





	Could You Be A Bangtan Stan?

_I do stan._

_@stan-I-am!_

 

That stan-I-am!

That stan-I-am!

I do not like

that stan-I-am.

 

_Are you BTS’s fan?_

 

I am not BTS’s fan.

I do not stan them, stan-I-am.

 

_Would you stan J-Hope or Jin?_

 

I would not stan J-Hope or Jin.

I don’t care which one is Jimin.

I am not BTS’s fan.

I do not stan them, stan-I-am.

 

_Would you stan with purple hair?_

_Or referencing Emil Sinclair?_

 

I do not stan with purple hair

and Hesse can keep Emil Sinclair.

I do not stan J-Hope or Jin.

I won’t watch fancams of Jimin.

I am not BTS’s fan.

I do not stan them, stan-I-am.

 

_Would you uwu_

_RM’s crabs?_

_Would you squee_

_at Jungkook’s abs?_

 

Not RM’s crabs,

Not maknae’s abs,

Not purple hair,

I just don’t care!

I would not stan J-Hope or Jin

or swoon for selcas of Jimin.

I am not BTS’s fan.

I do not stan them, stan-I-am.

 

_Would you, could you,_

_stan for V?_

_In a cravat,_

_or in Gucci?_

 

I would not, could not,

stan for V.

 

_You may like Suga._

_You will see._

_You may ship Suga_

_with Kookie?_

 

I would not, could not, ship this way.

Not when leaves fall or a spring day.

I don’t ship TaeGi or YoonJin.

I don’t ship VHope or JinMin.

Not NamKook, 2Seok, or NamJin

Or Sope or JiKook or VMin.

I would not ship Jungkook with V.

HOW MANY SHIPS SAIL ON THIS SEA?!

I am not BTS’s fan.

I do not stan them, stan-I-am.

 

_A plane! A plane!_

_A plane! A plane!_

_Could you, would you, on a plane?_

 

Not on a plane! Not on a bus!

Not walking out of Omelas!

Not binge-watching their Bon Voyage,

Not with Aoki or Minaj.

Not Hoseok thrusting to Baepsae.

(But…let’s watch again. For RESEARCH, ‘k?)

I will not stan them here or there.

I will not stan them anywhere.

I am not BTS’s fan.

I do not stan them, stan-I-am.

 

_Say! Jimin’s thighs?_

_Oooh, Jimin’s thighs!_

_Would you fangirl_

_Jimin’s thighs?_

 

I would not fangirl Jimin’s thighs.

 

_Would you stan Jin in the rain?_

 

I would not, could not, in the rain.

His bloody jokes are made _in vein_. Ha ha!

Ack, no! I won’t begin

for iliac furrows on Jimin,

nor Yoongi rolling down a dune,

nor dressed as dwarves or Sailor Moon.

Not for money, love, or ransom

would I stan this worldwide Hanson!

 

_You are not BTS’s fan?_

 

I do not stan them, stan-I-am!

 

_Could you, would you, for Yeontan?_

 

I would not, could not, for Yeontan.

 

_Would you, could you, Anpanman?_

 

I could not, would not Anpanman

or fanchant Bangtan Sonyeondan.

No Hamlin rodent lured astray

is written in my DNA.

I have no plans to stream MIC Drop

or hang out in the Magic Shop.

As Namjoon’s handshakes don’t connect,

I never could be bias-wrecked.

No feelings seesaw up and down,

not if they— *gasp* did meow meow FROWN?

Ahem! What I had meant to say

was not tomorrow, not today!

 

I am not BTS’s fan!

I do not stan them, stan-I-am!

_You do not stan them._

_So you say._

_Try them! Try them!_

_And you may._

_Try them and you may, I say._

 

Stop!

If you will let me be,

I will try them.

You will see…

 

DANG! I think I am a fan!

I am! I LOVE them, stan-I-am!

I SO would stan J-Hope and Jin,

and smoldering gazes from Jimin.

I’m falling down the rabbit hole

For RM’s photos, hart and Seoul,

for G.C.F. and stylish V,

and any rap from Agust D!

 

And I would stan them here or there

With cherry, mint, or purple hair!

I’ll stan in Malta at a bar,

At the UN, or in a car.

In Hope World, bus, or plane or train,

they’re kings!

May they forever reign.

 

I am an ARMY and I stan!

Thank you!

Thank you, stan-I-am!

**Author's Note:**

> I am aware of Seuss’s awful history depicting Asians and Asian-Americans, which is why it felt appropriate to subvert that legacy by using his prose style instead to celebrate an Asian group. 
> 
> Also, this was obviously spawned to a degree by Green Eggs and Ham, but also by the genius slash fic parody Can You Slash Green Eggs and Ham by redscharlach. So read that if you haven't!


End file.
